A Comprehensive List of Things I Would Rather See Barbie Do

PMS Barbie

Ah, yes. It is that infamous week of the month. Barbie has sent Ken to get her tampons, a box of oreos, a gallon of milk, and a pizza. She throws him an extra five and tells him to get something for himself too. She comes complete with one box of Midol, a heating pad, and Ken's sweat pants to lounge around with. Sold separately are her two pairs of pants: one for during her period and the one that will actually fit her after. 

 

Finals Week Barbie

This may perhaps be my favorite of this list. This Barbie comes wearing the traditional finals week outfit: yoga pants that she's worn everyday for the last five days, the sweatshirt she slept in the night before, her ugly underwear because she hasn't had time to do laundry in weeks, and glasses-- because contacts are definitely not happening this week. Accessories include: dry shampoo, a can of Red Bull, a freezer full of frozen dinners, and one half-eaten pint of Ben and Jerry's. You'll find her crying over her bio-chem book in the corner of the library at 3 AM. No makeup included.

Failed Interview Barbie

She has her best Banana Republic suit on and her hair neatly pressed in an flattering but, purposefully not attractive manner so that people will take her seriously. She's walking out of the building, smiling and being polite, but she knows that she didn't get it. She tells herself that there will be a next time but, in the moment it's hard to believe. I want to see Barbie fail. I want to see her not know what to tell Ken when she gets home that night.

Pregnancy Scare Barbie

Barbie and Ken had a little too much fun at the dream house and now Barbie has a stick with pee on it in her hand and she's waiting. Terrified. That's how I want to see Barbie. Terrified that her life is about to be turned upside down by a simple mistake. And I want young girls to have a role model for when those scary situations happen.

Cat Called Barbie

Because God knows that Barbie has a pair of legs for miles-- actually unnaturally and unproportionately so. I would love to see how Barbie would respond to someone whistling at her in public or telling her to smile. Would she think that was okay? Would she flick the guy off? God, I would love to see Barbie flick somebody off. Can you imagine? Mattel would faint.

Post-pregnancy Barbie

I'm not sure if in the world of Barbie, she is even allowed to have kids or if she's just a very popular babysitter. Still, I would like to see Barbie deal with post-pregnancy. Especially if it was her first child. Barbie has bags under her eyes from sleepless nights, up breast feeding. She's still wearing her maternity clothes because she's terrified of trying on her old ones and finding that she's gained too much weight. So instead, she wears Ken's old sweatshirts and lives on celery and quinoa, telling Ken not to touch her for a while and juggling the gaggles of guests that come to visit their new member of the family. Crying baby sold separately.

Single Mom Barbie

This Barbie is the bad ass of all Barbies. Single Mom Barbie has mastered the art of the ponytail, as it allows her enough time to get the kids off to school in the morning and still look professional for work. She juggles dinner, band concert, annual reviews, and sometimes even sleeps! Accessories include Match.com profile, alimony check, and two children who know that she literally is Super Mom.

Barbie On a Diet

Because we know that Barbie did not get those Beyonce legs and Cameron Diaz abs from eating pizza all night. Diet Barbie comes wearing her Fit Bit and exercise clothes. Accessories include: Lean Cuisines, Special K, and that bar of chocolate she wants everyone to think is a secret.